We've had a good run...
You've captured many smiles and funny memories...
You were there for all the moments that mattered...
You've been around his entire life...
I've been in a bit of a blogging rut the past several weeks...mainly because I didn't know if I really wanted to share my heart struggles. I didn't want to risk ridicule or judgement from the outside or even from my own family. I've wrestled with my own selfish agenda and have questioned God again..and again..and again... only to hear His sweet whisper.. the one that is changing me.
So, because I know this is a time of direct teaching and heart change.. I know I must record it for my family and for a reminder of just how involved He wants to be in my life.
You see, my struggle does not at all involve a lack of gratitude for the unfathomable gifts of my husband and children- not one thought of them goes through my mind without a praise of thanks and a prayer to make me worthy of them. I am blessed beyond measure and I believe this every single day...no matter the stresses and strains of that day. I know how undeserving I am to be called Mama.
My struggle has been with knowing WHO I have become. I believe with all my heart that I was born with Psalm 82:3 in my marrow...
"Defend the cause of the weak and the fatherless;
Maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed"
I remember as a five-year-old begging my mother to take me to feed the homeless after learning about them in school. I remember always befriending the one kid in class that no one wanted to talk to. I remember always "feeling" the pain of others.... It's who I am.
I chose a career of serving the weak and oppressed- the only profession that pays less than a teacher- as my father would say :) I've defended the abused and neglected, I've cared for the needs of the orphans and the fatherless, I've advocated for the oppressed. I've shed tears and years of my life fullfilling what I thought was my life's purpose.... It's how I identified myself. It's how my soul found nourishment.
So, since the most recent transitions in my life, God has really forced me to face this. After so many questions about where he would have me serve and absolutely no direction and even a direct NO many times... I started begging for answers. I felt purposeless and despensable.
And then he gently, but oh so directly, whispered.."If you can't serve your family, you can't serve Me". It was literally like a lightbulb went off and I must admit I was a bit taken aback. I had not realized in the midst of the busyness of our every days in this house and my subcontious self pity that God was teaching me more at this time in my life than ever before. He was teaching me how to love.
He is teaching me that my purpose and nourishment cannot be found in good deeds or even great deeds- but only in Him.
He is teaching me that no matter how much love I can muster up on my own- if I don't love like Christ..it has no eternal value.
He is teaching me what it means to be a FAMILY. A term that harbored so many negative and fearful connotations throughout my life. He is teaching me to love them selflessly. He is teaching me of love without distrust or agenda.
How remarkably you know me Lord! I give you this life. I give you these hands. Teach me to serve my family- only as you would. Without fear. Without walls. But, with the love that you are cleansing me with each day. I am fully yours.
"Watch what God does, and then do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that".
Ephesians 5:1-2 The Message
My favorite thing about fall, well, really the only thing I enjoy about fall (I shiver at the thought of the cold days ahead) has become our annual family trip to the pumpkin patch and apple orchard...
This year Jackson was old enough to experience all of the fun fall festivities at Nivens Apple Farm, including the hay ride, so we headed there first...
He wasn't quite sure about it...neither was Daddy :)
Baby girl and I set off to get some memorable "first pumpkin patch" pictures. This one was the best we could get..
He's such a big boy!
We also have this picture of me in front of the teepee last year. We realized that Jenna Claire was there too- we just didn't know it.
We let Jackson pick out his pumpkin. The delight over his find was followed by a really exaggerated "ughhhhh" as he tried to pick it up...
We didn't have the time for our traditional Daddy, Mommy and Baby pumpkins this year... there are too many babies in our house for that kind of spare time! Next year we will have an entire family to display. 
The girls will play dress up...
and try out our new bows...
and take lots of pictures...
While unpacking boxes today (yes, I still have much to unpack) I ran across a poem that hung on my refrigerator for the first 4 years of our marriage. I received the poem from a hostess at a bridal shower I attended when Jeremy and I had first begun our life together.
God was teaching me so much about himself during those first few months as Mrs. Haines...and so much about His love for me. There had never been a time before that I had felt His mercies so intensely. I believe with all my heart that when I told God yes to the plan of marriage for my life, His blessings poured over me.
What you have to understand is that getting married was the single biggest fear I had and Satan knew how to use it against me. He knew that this fear was capable of keeping me from God's plan. There were many times throughout our dating relationship that he could have won that battle...and came so close.
So when I say that I told God yes, I say it with a victorious YES! I said it with a yes so completely covered in faith that my fear had vanished. I trusted Him completely. The Lord walked me to that altar.
And His blessings abounded.
I don't know who wrote this poem but I'm sure many have heard it before. I still can't read it without tearfully praising the One who knows me so well. The One who has filled my heart and my life with a joy I have never known. How I long to love like Him.
Drinking From My Saucer...
I've never made a fortune and it's probably too late now.
But, I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow.
And as I go along life's way, I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup has overflowed.
Haven't got a lot of riches, and sometimes the going's tough.
But, I've got loved ones around me, and that makes me rich enough.
I thank God for His blessings, and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup has overflowed.
O, remember times when things went wrong, my faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke, and sun peeped through again.
So Lord, help me not to gripe about the tough rows that I've hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup has overflowed.
If God gives me strength and courage, when the way grows steep and rough,
I'll not ask for other blessings, I'm already blessed enough.
And may I never be too busy, to help others bear their loads.
I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup has overflowed.
Praise you Jesus. May my thirst to know you and experience you never be quenched. I could never thank you enough for the courage to say YES. I could never thank you enough for the joy of understanding just a little more of you. My cup has overflowed!
Her days are filled with hugs for Daddy...
posing for Mommy's photo shoots...
checking out everything around her...
chewing on, well, anything...
smiling at everyone and even laughing a couple of times...
trying on her new clothes that still don't fit...she's so very tiny...
and just plain looking cute....
What a blessing she is to our family! She has such a sweet spirit and is beginning to show affection. She loves to give wide open mouth kisses. She loves to cuddle. She adores her brother and wants to be a part of everything he does.
She is pure sweetness.
"They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb." Psalm 19:10 The Message
